Here's something that most people can relate to -- recently my husband, Dave, & I had an argument that unfolded in an "opening" that I'm still relishing. It's not important what the argument was about. What's important is how "practicing being present" can truly open us up to so much more in Life.
The Argument
Dave & I had an argument (we hardly ever argue) . . . each of us was trying to be heard by the other. I told him he was NOT GETTING ME, NOT GETTING WHAT I WAS SAYING. He didn’t say it, but I knew the very moment it was out of my mouth, that I was NOT GETTING HIM either. The energy of the argument changed . . . I think for a number of reasons. In that present moment . . .
--I noticed (realized, consciously) what we were doing – talking to each other without the other half (listening to each other AND trying to understand). I think it’s important for me to point out that this noticing was not a “remembering” of some rule of communication. It was an actual “Oh! Look at this!”
--I realized that if I let myself really listen to him (which meant asking questions to help me understand where he was in that moment rather than assume I already knew) that it did not mean I had to give up anything about myself. Hmmm . . . this realization was interesting, because in the moment I had not realized I felt I would have to “abandon myself.”
--Other realizations that I won’t go into (the first two were the biggest)
An “Opening”
The argument itself was not what opened me to see myself and Reality more clearly – it was the direct experience of noticing what was happening simultaneously in the field WHILE we were arguing. I never would’ve noticed what was happening in the field if I had not started sensing within myself – within my own body – to be present with whatever I was experiencing in the moment. Admittedly, I was not fully present when the argument began; and, I was not fully present as I defended my position at the beginning of the argument. However, once I became present; once I inquired into what I was feeling emotionally AND what I was experiencing in my body, then the field opened to include much more than I ever expected. One very important piece now included in this bigger space was Dave.
Direct Experience -- No ‘Secret’
Using the communication-process in the past has always been more like using the steps in a manual, if you know what I mean. It was “this is the way you’re supposed to communicate.” What happened during the argument with Dave was spontaneous, in the moment, and continued to unfold in each successive moment only because I became very present. Even the fact that I could actually listen to him (let him have his air-space) and did not need to abandon myself was part of the process.
How interesting to discover for oneself something that she knew to be true only in her mind! I’m thinking now that this may very well mean that although I knew “in my mind” that I did not need to abandon myself (during an argument) in order to listen to another, there must’ve been some part of me that disbelieved it . . . UNTIL I actually experienced it for myself! (Note: Real, direct experience is something Positive Thinking gurus and followers, i.e., The Secret, are totally missing.)
A Dynamic Field
Looking back on this event, I can see even more how dynamic the field was during the argument. When I say the field was dynamic, I mean that it was active, not static at all. Changes in the field were happening whether we were aware of it or not. Different aspects of our personality (personal histories including psychological, emotional levels of ourselves) showed up in the field along with social, cultural history that’s part of us because we’re part of a historical society.
On the personal level, I can now see how a child-version of myself was present in the field. I’m reminded of how when I was little I could NOT “win” an argument with my parents. I’d imagine most kids feel that way yet I don’t want to ignore or discard it. At first it seems odd to me seeing the word “win” (or “lose”) alongside the word argument. I wondered “why does there need to be a winner and a loser of an argument? As I sat with the question, I recognized how the field is affected by so many things we’re unconscious of . . . for example, the little girl who felt she could not be heard (and somehow winning an argument with her parents would mean she was heard?) . . . Also, in the field, is the very origin of the word argument as well as how it’s been carried along from generation-to-generation through time, i.e., Greek/Roman politics, philosophers, etc. would present arguments (and our government officials do that even today
An argument (as it’s practiced or played out) usually includes defending a particular view, a view that fills our field. Think of the very act of defending and what that means! Think of a castle defended by a moat and huge stone walls! It’s well-defended because the defenses are strong and NOTHING is supposed to penetrate those defenses. We defend that in which we believe, something to which we’re attached for some reason. The attachment is like a clinging to something that defines us in some way – it becomes us; we become it – or so it seems in the mind. And, if that’s where we live most of the time, in the mind, then how can we be other than our thoughts and beliefs.
So, in the argument with Dave, I “thought and believed” that Dave was not “getting me” (not being seen nor heard). There is truth still to this day that in the beginning of the argument (before the shift) he wasn’t getting me -- nor was I getting him. But in the beginning of that argument, I somehow became “the one who is not being seen & heard.” This one, this piece of my personality, not only needed defending (victim or damsel in distress – hence metaphorically, the moat and the walls to the castle are in place), the only way to “win” this battle (‘argument’ becomes ‘battle’ now) is to be RIGHT and to force the enemy (huh, now Dave is my enemy?) to submit to me, to my view. My Defender-self has arrived in full armor and ready for battle – to force Dave to submit, to see things my way. What a drama!
Waking Up
The shift happened when I woke up to what was happening. The moment I “remembered” to notice what I was experiencing INSIDE the field changed. It became bigger, more spacious and included more of Reality including clarity and understanding. By taking mere moments to pay attention to what was happening inside of myself, I included more of myself. By including more of myself, I also included Dave and everything else that was arising in the dynamic field. The drama dissipated as an illusion loses form. In this fresh, new space Dave and I actually began communicating with each other. I could hear him and see him. He could hear me and see me. The only thing being protected now was Truth -- our True Nature. Each of us was free to be who we really were (are) which includes our vulnerability. Vulnerability includes innocence and a new perspective like a fresh breeze. I actually experienced a solid sense of being supported by our willingness to be present and undefended. It seems to me that in that moment our egos dissolved and we stood naked before each other. There really was no threat – only love and truth.
Posts
