An "Opening" Argument

Here's something that most people can relate to -- recently my husband, Dave, & I had an argument that unfolded in an "opening" that I'm still relishing. It's not important what the argument was about. What's important is how "practicing being present" can truly open us up to so much more in Life.

The Argument
Dave & I had an argument (we hardly ever argue) . . . each of us was trying to be heard by the other. I told him he was NOT GETTING ME, NOT GETTING WHAT I WAS SAYING. He didn’t say it, but I knew the very moment it was out of my mouth, that I was NOT GETTING HIM either. The energy of the argument changed . . . I think for a number of reasons. In that present moment . . .
--I noticed (realized, consciously) what we were doing – talking to each other without the other half (listening to each other AND trying to understand). I think it’s important for me to point out that this noticing was not a “remembering” of some rule of communication. It was an actual “Oh! Look at this!”
--I realized that if I let myself really listen to him (which meant asking questions to help me understand where he was in that moment rather than assume I already knew) that it did not mean I had to give up anything about myself. Hmmm . . . this realization was interesting, because in the moment I had not realized I felt I would have to “abandon myself.”
--Other realizations that I won’t go into (the first two were the biggest)

An “Opening”
The argument itself was not what opened me to see myself and Reality more clearly – it was the direct experience of noticing what was happening simultaneously in the field WHILE we were arguing. I never would’ve noticed what was happening in the field if I had not started sensing within myself – within my own body – to be present with whatever I was experiencing in the moment. Admittedly, I was not fully present when the argument began; and, I was not fully present as I defended my position at the beginning of the argument. However, once I became present; once I inquired into what I was feeling emotionally AND what I was experiencing in my body, then the field opened to include much more than I ever expected. One very important piece now included in this bigger space was Dave.

Direct Experience -- No ‘Secret’
Using the communication-process in the past has always been more like using the steps in a manual, if you know what I mean. It was “this is the way you’re supposed to communicate.” What happened during the argument with Dave was spontaneous, in the moment, and continued to unfold in each successive moment only because I became very present. Even the fact that I could actually listen to him (let him have his air-space) and did not need to abandon myself was part of the process.

How interesting to discover for oneself something that she knew to be true only in her mind! I’m thinking now that this may very well mean that although I knew “in my mind” that I did not need to abandon myself (during an argument) in order to listen to another, there must’ve been some part of me that disbelieved it . . . UNTIL I actually experienced it for myself! (Note: Real, direct experience is something Positive Thinking gurus and followers, i.e., The Secret, are totally missing.)

A Dynamic Field
Looking back on this event, I can see even more how dynamic the field was during the argument. When I say the field was dynamic, I mean that it was active, not static at all. Changes in the field was happening whether we were aware of it or not. Different aspects of our personality (personal histories including psychological, emotional levels of ourselves) showed up in the field along with social, cultural history that’s part of us because we’re part of a historical society.

On the personal level, I can now see how a child-version of myself was present in the field. I’m reminded of how when I was little I could NOT “win” an argument with my parents. I’d imagine most kids feel that way yet I don’t want to ignore or discard it. At first it seems odd to me seeing the word “win” (or “lose”) alongside the word argument. I wondered “why does there need to be a winner and a loser of an argument? As I sat with the question, I recognized how the field is affected by so many things we’re unconscious of . . . for example, the little girl who felt she could not be heard (and somehow winning an argument with her parents would mean she was heard?) . . . Also, in the field, is the very origin of the word argument as well as how it’s been carried along from generation-to-generation through time, i.e., Greek/Roman politics, philosophers, etc. would present arguments (and our government officials do that even today ). There is definitely a winning/losing aspect to all that.


Drama, Parts & Roles
An argument (as it’s practiced or played out) usually includes defending a particular view, a view that fills our field. Think of the very act of defending and what that means! Think of a castle defended by a moat and huge stone walls! It’s well-defended because the defenses are strong and NOTHING is supposed to penetrate those defenses. We defend that in which we believe, something to which we’re attached for some reason. The attachment is like a clinging to something that defines us in some way – it becomes us; we become it – or so it seems in the mind. And, if that’s where we live most of the time, in the mind, then how can we be other than our thoughts and beliefs.

So, in the argument with Dave, I “thought and believed” that Dave was not “getting me” (not being seen nor heard). There is truth still to this day that in the beginning of the argument (before the shift) he wasn’t getting me -- nor was I getting him. But in the beginning of that argument, I somehow became “the one who is not being seen & heard.” This one, this piece of my personality, not only needed defending (victim or damsel in distress – hence metaphorically, the moat and the walls to the castle are in place), the only way to “win” this battle (‘argument’ becomes ‘battle’ now) is to be RIGHT and to force the enemy (huh, now Dave is my enemy?) to submit to me, to my view. My Defender-self has arrived in full armor and ready for battle – to force Dave to submit, to see things my way. What a drama!

Waking Up
The shift happened when I woke up to what was happening. The moment I “remembered” to notice what I was experiencing INSIDE the field changed. It became bigger, more spacious and included more of Reality including clarity and understanding. By taking mere moments to pay attention to what was happening inside of myself, I included more of myself. By including more of myself, I also included Dave and everything else that was arising in the dynamic field. The drama dissipated as an illusion loses form. In this fresh, new space Dave and I actually began communicating with each other. I could hear him and see him. He could hear me and see me. The only thing being protected now was Truth -- our True Nature. Each of us was free to be who we really were (are) which includes our vulnerability. Vulnerability includes innocence and a new perspective like a fresh breeze. I actually experienced a solid sense of being supported by our willingness to be present and undefended. It seems to me that in that moment our egos dissolved and we stood naked before each other. There really was no threat – only love and truth.

A Somatic Meditation

If you practice this meditation for awhile, you'll experience some interesting things as you go about your day. How long is awhile? It's actually different for everyone. It may be a few days or weeks. It may even be that you experience something different that very same day. What can you expect? Again, there's a smorgasbord of experiences and they're all good. You'll actually feel more alive, more in tune with your body, your inner-being, and with others. You'll feel more centered within yourself, more connected, grounded. You'll find that some things that might have pushed your buttons in the past no longer have the same charge they once did.

Somatic has to do "with the body." This particular practice brings consciousness to your physical body merely by focusing your own awareness on different parts of your body. This is not a body-scan. You don't want to zip through this. You want to do this very, very slowly -- take your time. Give this time to yourself; luxuriate in the whole experience as if you're taking an awareness bubble-bath.

When I do this meditation practice, I start with one side of my body beginning with one foot; and then I move up my body. When I get to my head I move back down the other side of my body and end with the opposite foot.

You want to use your awareness to really feel whatever part of the body you're focusing on. For example, let's say you start with your right foot, notice (with your awareness) the feel of your foot, the way it curves, the temperature, the texture. Just notice whatever you notice. Then, as you move up to your ankle, notice (with your awareness) the bones in the ankle, how they protrude out a little. Notice how when you move up the front of your leg from the ankle, to the shin, how the skin over the shin-bone feels. Is it taut? Is it sensitive? Just notice whatever you notice. Go over your whole body with this awareness-touching.

Try this meditation practice in bed before you get up in the morning and before you go to sleep at night. If you want to use this at work during a break, go for it. Experiment with it. Enjoy it!

How's Your Energy for LIFE?

Think about that question. Really feel into it. Right now, in this very moment, are you able to tap into yourself and really feel your own aliveness? Are you aware of this feeling of aliveness during your day in whatever it is that you're doing? I wonder if you actually feel more alive some times and then other times you really don't feel anything at all.

These are the same questions I asked myself as I read an excellent newsletter article, "Why Personal Boundaries Matter" by Lauren Zander. Zander is the founder of Handel Group, a private corporate consulting company in New York. Thanks to her article, I was reminded of the importance of personal boundaries in keeping ourselves centered and authentic. Only when we're being centered and authentic within ourselves are we able to be with others in an authentic way. I was also reminded of how naive I was most of my life as to how important personal boundaries are to our health and well-being. Personal boundaries actually do effect our zest for life.

A Personal Boundary Connection
Isn't it interesting how our energy actually gets zapped when we fail to establish and maintain our own personal boundaries? There really is a connection to how we feel when we establish and maintain our personal boundaries and when we don't. Here are a couple of examples from Zander's article of personal boundaries being violated :
the mom who works long hours at the office all week and spends her evenings and weekends caring for her family with nary a break for herself
the dad who always says "yes" to requests from neighbors, relatives and friends -- even when helping them intrudes on his own plans.
Did you recognize anything about yourself in either of these examples? The thing about boundaries that many people don't understand is that boundaries show that you respect and honor your own needs. Do you feel that having your own needs is foreign to you? If so, isn't it time for you to (1) identify what your needs are and then (2) establish some personal boundaries that can help you get your needs met?

On the other hand, there are those whose boundaries are so rigid to ensure their own needs are met that their needs always take center stage. Quite often we see a dynamic between partners where one person has strong boundaries and the other has weak or no boundaries at all.

Identifying Unmet Needs
We all need to be cognizant of our own personal needs; and, quite frankly, we should not expect someone else to know what those needs are. Yet sometimes we get so lost in routines of the day that we don't even think about our needs -- specifically the little ones. For example, maybe you need to take your lunch-time away from your office instead of sitting at your desk. Maybe you need to allow yourself time to take a nap. How can you discover your unmet needs? The next time you become frustrated, annoyed or whiny, ask yourself questions about what needs you may not be honoring.

It's important to recognize that it's OK to have needs and to honor them. It's also important to remember that other people have needs and we need to honor them as well. When our needs conflict with others, it's time for communication and possibly negotiation. Remember communication includes listening as well as talking. Oftentimes when we listen we find out information we did not know. By letting others know what we need and listening to what others need, we may very well come to a better understanding as to what it is we actually do need.

Stress as a Habit

First let me be clear that I'm not saying that stress is always a habit. There are many things that can cause stress. We can experience stress from outside influences as well as inner-influences. The whole idea that stress can be a habit hit me a few years ago when I was working with a Naturopath and he noticed that my resting pulse was higher than normal. We were looking at at various kinds of things that might be considered stressors in my life, including the possibility of a sensitivity to certain foods. He gave me the assignment of keeping a record of my pulse-rate throughout the day, beginning first thing in the morning before I even got out of bed.

One of the best things that came out of my work with him was the realization that I'd thrived on stress most of my life. For me, stress had become a habit, a pattern of behavior that was completely unconscious. My first clue showed up when he asked me: "What's the very first thing you do in the morning?" Whatever I answered, he shook his head and said: "No, I mean, when your eyes open, when you wake up, what do you do?"

Three years later I still remember my answer to the Naturopath. With great sense of aplomb and energy, I raised my arm, hand in a victory-fist and said: "I jump out of bed like a race-horse leaving the gate!" I'll bet if he would've checked my pulse-rate in that moment it would have been extremely high. He looked at me, smiled, then asked if I would change my normal waking behavior for two-weeks so that we could get a record of my resting pulse-rate. He explained that until I took my resting pulse, I needed to do everything v e r y slowly. He described a scenario where I'd actually recognize that I was waking up first; I'd slowly open my eyes and just lay there. Next, I might just notice things, like the light in the room, my breathing, maybe even my heartbeat, and the stillness in the room. After laying there for awhile, before even raising my head, I needed to take my pulse-rate.

Waking Up with Presence
My Naturopath gave me a gift of presence, first, by being very present with me and describing alternatives for how I could begin my day in a state of calm instead of stress. For all the years that I'd been waking up like a race-horse, I unconsciously had been putting undue stress on my body. I was putting myself in an automatic state of fight-or-flight which had a direct affect on my hormones and my heart-rate. Secondly, his wanting to see a record of my resting pulse meant that, for at least two weeks, I needed to begin my day in a way that I don't remember ever doing -- waking up with presence. When we are present, time literally slows down. It's like watching a single-snowflake as it falls in the midst of all the other snowflakes. That single snowflake appears to be falling much slower than all the other snowflakes. If you've never experienced this phenomenon, try it next time it snows.

Mistaken Aliveness
Something else I've learned about myself and stress is that with stress I often experience anxiousness which on one hand feels like a lot of energy but on the other hand (after awhile) it feels energy-draining. While doing some self-inquiry work around stress, I discovered a fascinating truth about how I experience stress & anxiety -- it has a similarity with the feeling of aliveness. Isn't that interesting? I wonder if somehow we forget how to authentically feel such a basic, essential quality like aliveness? I'm curious whether it's possible to actually mistake the experience of stress or anxiety for aliveness itself. What do you think?

A Daily Practice --
Periodic 3-Minute Presence

Here's a daily practice that you can do multiple times during the day every day. And, if you will do this practice, I can assure you that you will experience more clarity and more energy throughout your day. Now, since this is a 3-minute exercise, there should be no excuses that you cannot find the time! I won't name names. You know who you are J

You can do this at home, work, the gym, while standing in line, while waiting for a traffic light to turn green. You can do this practice any time, anywhere.

Here's what you do:
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing . . . STOP. Focus your attention inside yourself. See what you notice. Whatever you notice don't judge it and don't let your mind start dialoging about it (or you might go over your 3-minute practice time limit!). Just notice whatever you notice. Your stomach might be rumbling (yes, you might be hungry but remember -- no dialogue -- just notice it). Your breathing might be shallow. Just notice it (you might actually spontaneously take a deeper breath, or not). Your toes may feel cramped. If you're outside, you may feel a breeze across your skin. If you're inside, you might feel air from an air vent move your hair a bit. Whatever you notice is just whatever you notice.

The most important part of this 3-minute practice is your complete focus. If you go over 3-minutes, that's OK. You may need to time yourself in the beginning, but after awhile you'll be able to do this without timing yourself.

Inquiring into Who’s Manifesting What?

We really are multidimensional beings. We exist with many bodies, i.e., physical, subtle, and causal. Each body manifests itself as an expression of Being. Once we’re able to shift our perspective back and forth from the narrow, bounded Ego/Personality-view and the vast, boundless Soul/Spirit-view, we’re able to recognize that the more contracted perspective comes from the egoic-mind. We’re also able to recognize that the perspective from the Soul/Spirit is more expansive and inclusive – a big heart-mind. As mature, integrated human beings, we’re to learn how to consciously hold both realities. True choice (intention) can only come from our capacity to hold both realities.

The act of manifesting itself is a sort of contraction – a pulling out of the plenum that which is already present – a bringing it into a denser form. Since the egoic-mind operates from relative-knowing or archived past experiences, what appears to be the act of manifesting is extremely limited. The egoic-mind is quite childlike (narcissistic) – it wants what it wants without thought of the whole. The egoic-mind uses manipulation and seduction to get what it wants. And, the egoic-mind will resist any manifestation that threatens its identity (structures).

Let’s look at an example, a woman, Saleme, decides to sell a particular product. She feels passionate about what she’s selling; she sees how the product can be beneficial to anyone who purchases it; and, she needs the income. Selling this product is the work she’s chosen as a means for making money. The problem is that she’s not manifesting the sales, not making money. As a result, she feels rejection every time a lead hits a dead-end. Her own intrinsic value is merged with the value she sees in the product she’s trying to sell; so when someone is not interested in purchasing the product, there’s a part of her (egoic-mind) that interprets it in a way that tells her that she has no value. The egoic-mind says “You’re not enough. If you were more (fill-in-the-blank) then you would be a better salesperson.” This part of the egoic-mind is often referred to as the super-ego. It’s the internal-parent, the inner-critic/judge.

What is Saleme to do? First she must recognize that what’s happening is an inner-dynamic within her mind; and, she needs to get to the root of this inner-dynamic. She needs practice experiencing her own intrinsic-value. Also, inquiry-work could help her see how the egoic-mind is translating early life-experiences into the present. Some part(s) of her ego is putting up roadblocks to keep her from experiencing success in what she wants to do. Who is it that’s manifesting the feelings of rejection? Who is it that sees selling this particular product so important? There are any number of questions that can arise during authentic inquiry-work where questions open us to the larger dimensions of our being. This whole experience is part of her soul’s journey. It’s not enough to know that she has intrinsic value – she must experience it for herself – for we don’t really “know” anything intimately unless we experience it directly.

A Soul Connection to Manifesting in Life

Once we understand that we actually have different perspectives -- a view from our ego and a view from our soul -- it may very well shed more light on how manifesting works in Life (For soul/ego perspectives, see April blog-article "A Soul Connection to Life's Experiences). Awareness is the light we shine. It is awareness that informs us when we ask the questions: "From which perspective am I viewing others? Myself? Life Itself?" As you read this article, you might even ask the question "Why is it important for me to know which perspective?" The short answer is that the view from your ego is limited -- the view from your soul is much more inclusive.

We are constantly manifesting with every breath we breathe and, I might add, with every thought that comes and goes. No matter whether any of it is conscious or unconscious -- it's all the act of manifesting. We rely on many unconscious and necessary processes to manifest in order to keep us alive. For example, it's a good thing we don't need to always be conscious of our breathing in order to be sure we breathe. That said, it's important to see and understand what we're manifesting unconsciously with our thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It's interesting that the verb to manifest is synonymous with to reveal, to become apparent (by seeing more clearly whether visibly or through understanding).

There's a tendency for some toward thinking that they "should" only view the world from a spiritual (soul) perspective. Posh! Developing an ego is not an accident. Ego development is the beginning of the process of becoming a human being. This process begins in childhood as a means to help the child feel safe, to give the child the capability to become less dependent on parents so s/he can go out into the world. The problem inherent in this process has to do with forgetting who we are. This problem reveals itself later in life when we find we're still using thoughts, ideas, beliefs from the past that helped us through our developmental process. There are few guides who can remind us that we are not limited to the ego's perspective -- we are more than what the ego perceives and Life itself is more than the ego perceives. Imagine what it would be like for children to have such a guide – someone who understands the necessity of the child’s ego-development process as a means for individuation and autonomy AND who can reflect the seemingly paradoxical bigger truth of interconnected wholeness.
(to be continued)